By: Ike Woodbury

Ever been worried that a shark could be in a swimming pool? That a rollercoaster might lose its grip? That the sun could explode just for the heck of it? Those are irrational fears! People say the best way to get over fears is to face them head-on, so here’s a LOT of them. This’ll help! …right?

Water’s a pretty big part of life, so we should probably dive into our fears of the ocean (I’m sorry, I had to). Isn’t it weird that humans have explored more of space than of the ocean? Imagine what types of creatures are in the deepest parts of the seas, the darkest caves and corners of the deep. The animals that were discovered as far down as technology allows are already made of the nightmares of demons. Following the logic that the further down that’s explored, the stranger the animals become… What thing crawls on the ocean floor?

OKEY-DOKEY! THAT DIDN’T HELP AT ALL. NEW CATEGORY! Space fears! There’s the fear that a random asteroid hits Earth, a sequel to the rock-paper-scissors game that the dinosaurs so famously lost. There’s the fear of black holes, the invisible, impossibly massive devourers of the universe. There’s the fear that humans aren’t the most advanced species across the galaxies, that aliens are traveling to the Earth in order to take over and use its resources, and that humans will only serve a purpose as a food source or as “mandatory volunteers” for them.

Arthur C. Clarke, a science-fiction writer said, “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” Well, ain’t that just WONDERFUL! MOVING ON!

RANDOM FEARS! PLEASE! STOP BEING SO HORRIFYING!

The monster under the bed ignores the implied contract and grabs somebody when they have covers on.

NOPE!

Papercut on the eye.

HATE THAT!

Feet folded in half.

PLEASE HELP!

Doorstops.

Wait, why is this here?

Spiders get wings.

THAT’S IT! I’M DONE! BUH-BYE!

The author of this article was not able to complete his work before being admitted to an insane asylum. Writing this is the last thing he did before becoming incoherent and being unable to function. All proceeds of this article go to the publication he was writing for, the Paw Print. We advise readers to not attempt writing anything similar, as they will likely suffer the same fate.